I do not want to put this girl on blast, but I think its about time I crush this annoyance once and for all. She wrote:
You knw you wut imma nt gn be scared i jus come out and say it! I think your full of shit! Nw I knw im only seventeen and some times i cn do some so shallow stuff but rlly goin out with a black girl so you can "walk the walk" OMG it doesnt get any better than that does it. Jus do me a favor if she really as pretty as you say dont waste her time if you dnt really care for her and cant do better than walking the walk by going with her! Bc Im pretty sure if she as wonderful as you make her sound she deserves better than that!
By this I'm guessing she is implying , that ONE girl, whom I cannot say the name no longer. For the sake of easily naming her, lets call her, Girl A. Now this girl above commented in a irrelevant post, and I just felt the need to answer her promptly.
For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, i will give you a brief summary of what happened. Several months ago, i was with a girl named "Eri---". I went out with her for aprox. 2 months, and she played me with 5 other dudes... well, she played all of them anyways. A damn pro at that lol.
Needless to say I was devastated, I shouldn't have been, but I was heart broken. I think I fell really deep for this girl... Around 1-2 weeks later, I started to get a lot of moral support from several people on youtube,msn,skype and aim. Good old online conversations to cheer me up from my heart ache. One girl stood out amongst that group. She happened to be Girl A.
My first mistake was, I let my guard down, and I let her compliments sooth me and comfort me. I don't mean to blame her at all, but, she knew exactly what was going on in my life , since she is a subscriber of my channel. I told her i was not ready for a relationship, nor do I feel comfortable meeting new people or etc etc... She understood, and we had a casual conversation here and there. However, In my state of mind... that shit is just not possible. Needless to say she was an attractive girl, and her personality was up there in the clouds(thats a good thing by the way). She and I started to flirt more often then not, and eventually got into a "likeable" situation. The whole time , to tell the truth, I was afraid of commitment and any sort of relationship...This was where i was selfish and most definitely wrong. I didn't hurt as much from the 5 timer because I felt "comforted" by girl A.
Later on, knowing already we live only hours away, decided to meet up. For a date. I wanted to test it out. To see if this could be a casual, "seeing each other" type thing. See, my mentality is this : First you get to know them, then go on a date, THEN decide whether or not you want to "see each other", THEN get into a serious relationship.
Anyway, the First date comes along. I was nervous, and excited , and believe it or not I WAS happy. When I first saw her, I did find her very attractive and beautiful.then... The problems started to rise up...
First- The drive. It takes an hour, forty minutes. I'm thinking , " crap... this might not work out because its long distance..." but, i've been in L.Ds before , so I figured i give it a shot.
Second- I met her at a Starbucks, thinking it will just be her. Nope. She came with her entourage. Of 3 people... so here I am, at a Starbucks with 4 people, whom I never met. Mind you, i never met the girl i was meeting EITHER. Stress started to build up immensely. But... I put a smile up, and just tried to enjoy my day.
third- Eventually her friends did leave . The thing that truly got me moved, and scared at the same time was the gift she brought me. It was almost difficult to accept it, because it must have cost her over 90 dollars... Of course i was thankful, but deep inside , i was taken back a little bit. A lot actually...
I don't want to get too much into the date, however that day ended good. We both had a good time, and we discussed a lot of things. Things became really difficult after the first date however.
I started getting mail on the daily from black women saying, you better not "fuck up". That didn't really affect me that much, i get hate mail daily anyway, so I just brushed my shoulders off on that matter. However, what did started to pinch my nerves were these comments :
" You DO know shes a celeb. right? Your a punk bitch, your only using her to gain fame huh?"
" your using her ... " etc etc...
That started to drive me insane!!! I didn't want ANY of this drama! I wanted to be alone and not in pain! God, it felt no one in the world would let me breath for just a FUCKING SECOND! People left and right saying don't fuck up now~ Your using her for your own benefit ~ when are you gonna get married says her friends.
Eventually, my brain just stopped. Everything became quiet. I told her in a letter, that I cannot do this anymore. She was in love with me she said... and that I was the one she said... Those are good things to hear when your emotionally stable and happy.
But,When you don't feel the same way, or your in a miserable state, those words just become pressure beyond reasoning. It felt, her life , her heart is now in my incapable hands.
So, i knew I dragged this way too longer then I should have. If I was a smart and a kind man, i WOULD have never started anything. However, that was where I was definitely weak. These are the type of things I wish I could change, and just relive it to fix it. However, life is NEVER that kind.
I still get this way too many times... these young girls. Who want to judge me for what I have done... It's so easy to judge someone when your not in their shoes. So easy to tell someone to quit cigarettes when they themselves never tried it. Or those who self righteously say I will never cheat in my life, when in fact they don't know what will come about them in the future. So many people judge one another , mainly because they don't see the similar flaws in themselves. I am by no means justifying myself. What I have done, though very conditional, still is very wrongful done. And I Apologize to her and her alone.
The lesson, or point i wanted to make with this post was to tell others never to judge others. Never condemn another, because one point in your life you will face a similar situation, and you would understand why it had to happen that certain way. I hope this post will be the last to explain what happened IN MY life.
Thanks for reading.