Well, about 3 or 4 weeks ago I made a choice to change my life for the better . I kinda want to bare all in this writing, as it is much harder to do in a video. There are many things that have affected me over the years, and I have much excuse to blame for my sorrow and sadness. But I think most of it takes part in the center of my heart. Somewhere along the lines I started to feel so alienated, so alone, and just different from people. I have a hard time connecting to people, and I have a hard time relating to peoples problems. I want to say it is because I am different, special , unique or just strange... but the straight truth is, I'm just a lost boy. (not ze vampire lol)
I feel like a lost boy inside a matured body. An aching body , that seems to break down due to stress and emotional discomfort. I've never felt this bad in my life...
There are many reasons why I find it hard to post vids, or just live my own life in general... I think it is because I am stuck somewhere between reality and fiction. Online, I am treated with such grace and honor... and people seem to love me regardless of what I say , and when I say it. Yet in real life, people don't give me the time of day. I can't seem to hold onto a conversation more then ten minutes without being so awkward i choke on my own saliva. I can't stand in front of folks with a charismatic pose I once had in my life... I'm always just... weak. I guess I was always like that, but convinced myself through youtube, I wasn't. I learned it the hard way.
Now, I can pinpoint where I made my mistakes. Clearly, the first mistake was to alienate myself from the real world. I felt youtube was more then enough to get me going... I felt as long as I had my fans and subscribers I'd be living the dream and all my dreams would then set into motion. However, this was just an illusion, a dream and simply a fairytale I chose to believe in.
The fact is, people I once held so dear in my heart were not real. The more I put my heart into them, the more I was disappointed, and the more I felt alone. I realized I can't meet any of them individually, as I could never fully trust them individually. I started to realize I am more alone then I've ever been in my life.
Second mistake I made in my life was to drown my misery in simple day to day drugs. The so called harmless drugs did more harm to me then I once thought was possible. I always convinced myself that , the drugs I take, I take, because I want to just have fun and experience a new adventure. However, this was obviously a way to drown my sorrows and to forget the reality which was my burden.
It took me a long time to realize this, but I realize this now. I quit all substances, and I quit blaming myself for the errors of my mistakes. I know now that these things occurred to me, so I could know for sure this was not the path to take. If I never went towards this directions I would forevermore be tempted and be in wonder. But, I experienced the harsh reality ... and I have awoken.
I am going through very difficult roads,and turns. I feel more anxious, depressed,alone and scared then I was previously. But this isn't real. This is just an illusion. Just like how I was led to believe the pleasures that came with drugs were real, once again , these menacing substances are shooting its last cannon.(withdrawal) It is trying its best to make me fall for it again and again... but ladies and gents, I am so finished. I want to be a new creation. A brand new me.
It is a scary journey indeed, as I am alone here , in a very unfriendly place. Or perhaps it is unfriendly because I make it so in my mind... but yes, it feels dark, and alone here.
I don't know if I'll ever be the same again... but I really wish I could be someone I can make my parents proud.. and the people around me. I want to be the light that shines as I walk about, and give joy to those who I meet. I want to be free from darkness, and forevermore be in the light.
I pray all who are going through despair look not upon yourself, but our Lord who created us. We weren't meant to live in this sadness. The earth is satan's domain, and along comes sinnful ways. I pray that all who are falling into the deep crevice of their minds be freed, and rejoice with me , when we see that light once more.
Thank you all, and I hope to show you my new light. :)