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My name is TenchiJK, I'm a asian/american guy who has alot of different shit to say about life. Nuff said lol

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Monday, January 23, 2012

Its been a while

Dear Readers,

Well, about 3 or 4 weeks ago I made a choice to change my life for the better . I kinda want to bare all in this writing, as it is much harder to do in a video. There are many things that have affected me over the years, and I have much excuse to blame for my sorrow and sadness. But I think most of it takes part in the center of my heart. Somewhere along the lines I started to feel so alienated, so alone, and just different from people. I have a hard time connecting to people, and I have a hard time relating to peoples problems. I want to say it is because I am different, special , unique or just strange... but the straight truth is, I'm just a lost boy. (not ze vampire lol)

I feel like a lost boy inside a matured body. An aching body , that seems to break down due to stress and emotional discomfort. I've never felt this bad in my life...

There are many reasons why I find it hard to post vids, or just live my own life in general... I think it is because I am stuck somewhere between reality and fiction. Online, I am treated with such grace and honor... and people seem to love me regardless of what I say , and when I say it. Yet in real life, people don't give me the time of day. I can't seem to hold onto a conversation more then ten minutes without being so awkward i choke on my own saliva. I can't stand in front of folks with a charismatic pose I once had in my life... I'm always just... weak. I guess I was always like that, but convinced myself through youtube, I wasn't. I learned it the hard way.

Now, I can pinpoint where I made my mistakes. Clearly, the first mistake was to alienate myself from the real world. I felt youtube was more then enough to get me going... I felt as long as I had my fans and subscribers I'd be living the dream and all my dreams would then set into motion. However, this was just an illusion, a dream and simply a fairytale I chose to believe in.
The fact is, people I once held so dear in my heart were not real. The more I put my heart into them, the more I was disappointed, and the more I felt alone. I realized I can't meet any of them individually, as I could never fully trust them individually. I started to realize I am more alone then I've ever been in my life.

Second mistake I made in my life was to drown my misery in simple day to day drugs. The so called harmless drugs did more harm to me then I once thought was possible. I always convinced myself that , the drugs I take, I take, because I want to just have fun and experience a new adventure. However, this was obviously a way to drown my sorrows and to forget the reality which was my burden.

It took me a long time to realize this, but I realize this now. I quit all substances, and I quit blaming myself for the errors of my mistakes. I know now that these things occurred to me, so I could know for sure this was not the path to take. If I never went towards this directions I would forevermore be tempted and be in wonder. But, I experienced the harsh reality ... and I have awoken.

I am going through very difficult roads,and turns. I feel more anxious, depressed,alone and scared then I was previously. But this isn't real. This is just an illusion. Just like how I was led to believe the pleasures that came with drugs were real, once again , these menacing substances are shooting its last cannon.(withdrawal) It is trying its best to make me fall for it again and again... but ladies and gents, I am so finished. I want to be a new creation. A brand new me.

It is a scary journey indeed, as I am alone here , in a very unfriendly place. Or perhaps it is unfriendly because I make it so in my mind... but yes, it feels dark, and alone here.

I don't know if I'll ever be the same again... but I really wish I could be someone I can make my parents proud.. and the people around me. I want to be the light that shines as I walk about, and give joy to those who I meet. I want to be free from darkness, and forevermore be in the light.

I pray all who are going through despair look not upon yourself, but our Lord who created us. We weren't meant to live in this sadness. The earth is satan's domain, and along comes sinnful ways. I pray that all who are falling into the deep crevice of their minds be freed, and rejoice with me , when we see that light once more.

Thank you all, and I hope to show you my new light. :)

-David-

9 comments:

  1. David know you are not alone! Please know you are part of HIS master plan and HE makes no mistakes. You are loved and are capable of loving others. With struggle comes progress and you are simply work in progress. Please continue to have good intentions in everything you do and furthermore JUST BE YOU!

    - Aphra =^..^=

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  3. Your poetic words show that you have a poetic nature, I just hope that you can keep yourself from experiencing a poets despair. Perhaps while you, the lone traveller, are contemplating the two roads you have the great fortune to look down, you could perhaps not look back over your shoulder at the road that brought you there, as you are blessed enough to have traversed your past obstacles, and come out on the other side an amazing person. I have said that to try and help you think of yourself kindly, and now I can only leave you with this quote, " When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong." R. Buckminster Fuller
    I hope you come out and see the beauty.
    Nia

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  4. That was deep. It takes a fair amount of courage to speak so honestly about your struggles. I commend you. living a righteous life can be extremely challenging at times. As you are praying for others, I will say a prayer for you :D Be well & Be blessed.

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  5. Yes it has been a while,and..
    I have noticed a difference with you.
    And i was wondering,when
    you would get back the fight.
    And I'm glad to see you have.
    You are a strong person Tenchi JK
    and you acknowledge your weaknessess, and you always strive to be a better person.
    The gateway to life is narrow and the road is difficult,
    But we must press on.
    You're writings are so familiar , to someone that has felt the same.
    So whatever next comes,may God be with you
    NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE IN.
    I may not personally know you
    but in my made up world you would be a friend.

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  6. I just saw this post, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time right now. I know that what you decided to do is not going to be easy by no means. So I'm praying that the Lord guide your steps and things get a little easier for you day by day and you come out of it in the Lords light.

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  7. http://youtu.be/C6rS_V0TTeY /

    Isaiah 41:10

    So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

    I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

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  8. I completely understand how you feel about Youtube...I'm a Youtuber who just finished teaching in South Korea...I blogged a lot about being black in Korea (charlycheer). Youtube is a fake reality and it's unfortunate that you don't realize it until you get so caught up in making videos that you forget how to function in the real world. People also think they know you and your whole life story when all they see is what you choose to show them and it's only a few minutes a day of your life.

    I know that one mistake I made during my alone times was mistaking feeling alone with being alone. Don't forget that they are different. I like what you said about having to go through your drug experience in order to realize that it's not what you want for your life. Sometimes people try to tell us not to do something with their best intentions however they forget that the experience is what makes us really choose something for ourselves and change for real. Also, I've learned to stop blaming Satan for most of the things in my life and to take more responsibility for my actions...I think Satan is a easy excuse (but that's my opinion).

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  9. Recently started watching your stuff. Some random video about how complexion didn't matter really made me smile. Then I kept looking through videos and listening to thoughts that were so deep, yet really funny too lol. I stumbled across your blog (gosh I must seem like a extra creepy stalker,but I've actually learned from your posts). I want to say thank you for writing and blogging. Your openness is remarkable. You can see how you've grown as a person. It's really inspiring to me. I encourage you not to beat yourself up too bad for your mistakes,rather view it as a lesson learned. God used it to make Him your sole dependency. I know it seems crazy,being I've never met you, but I'll honestly keep you in my prayers. Nothing wrong with having extra prayers right? :) Keep your head up David.

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