The last time I left off I explained the struggles in my life. Whew... that was a mouth full I know!
I think the greatest thing I learned was the realization of my mistakes. I want to tell you why I fell into the substances surrounding me. I promise I won't be too depressing. My goal is to show you any one can fall and get back up again.
Many of you know my history to some extent, so I won't bore you with my past. movvving along~~~
Somewhere along the lines, I started researching the "truth" of this world. I know now the only truth that really mattered was the Gospel. However, I was starting to feel isolated in my own faith. People left and right were persecuted for believing in Christ... and I once thought I had the power to overcome such obstacles and put up a good fight but never with my own will.
I got this strange idea one day. What if I was to show people the opposite of the gospel. Let me explain... :3 I believe, there are always two sides to a coin ( so cliche yea?). No, but seriously , there is an opposite to everything isn't there? Well I believe so :/ . Since people didn't want to believe in the Gospel, I thought maybe by showing them the opposite , people would have fear inside their hearts and have the will to look for the truth.
Just like if someone found out about a disease ,people would then look for the cure.
I began my research into the occult, and searched for this esoteric knowledge. At first , it was intriguing,exciting,shocking,mind blowing and just straight up freaky. The world that I knew crumbled before my eyes... I saw things I shouldn't have... they were things I couldn't unsee.
I began to realize the world that I grew up in was a lie. Just like how Neo is awoken from his fantasy life, I too awoke from the veil covering our eyes.
However, unlike the movies... The reality was much more bland, dull, and just ... I don't know, REAL. Real as it can get... Why we are the way we are... Why we are disease ridden... why people HAVE to die by the millions every day... Why we use paper money that does not exist... Why we serve the elitist who laugh at us from their ivory tower.... and a thousand more.
It was an horrible eye opening. Instead of changing the world, the world started to change me... I started to get lost into this world... digging deeper and deeper, like Alice of wonderland. Learning new truths that shattered old truths. It was frighting... meanwhile I was struggling with my faith in God.
Later on, it started to drain me of my happiness... Food never tasted good anymore(like ash)... the air that I was breathing felt like poison... and I felt as though the animals around me were screaming their agony as their world was being striped apart from them.
Every night was a battle. From every corner of my mind, evil lurked. Every dark shadow formed into symbols, and visions and just wickedness.
I wanted to drown my mind with such things... That's when it all began... The journey through hell and back...
I started to lose my friends... my confidence, my humor, my voice, my loves and dreams... everything was being striped away from me. I started to see my life through the eyes of a new being... a crooked, more numbed down being. Everything seemed simpler when I was under the influence... Everything seemed like a dream, and I felt comfortable there... But as time went on, I couldn't stop it. I was feeding a monster that would only grow bigger, and stronger.
Eventually, I fell on my knees one night. While crying, and beating my chest... I realized I made a horrible mistake before my father God. I left him because I wanted to do things my way... I didn't realize I was merely a sheep lost in the wilderness. I thought by using my own strengths, I could conquer Babylon. I thought if I used my diligence I could and will conquer every atrocity in front of me. But i was wrong! I am solely dependent on my father God.
I repented, and turned my ways from the life style I lived... and He was merciful. He lead me to cool waters... and like a good Sheppard he tended my wounds, and placed me upon wondrous meadows. I felt love again. I felt happiness again. I felt as though my life was covered in pure light, and no more darkness came upon me. I was free, as Christ set me free from all the bondage of the world.
I will not fall in that direction ever again, as it is no longer my strength that holds me, but rather our father in heaven who holds us. He guides my steps, and I am free, and I can see, and I can feel, and I can live whatever life that is in front of me.
I haven't felt this happy since I was a child playing with legos and drinking Caprisun. Now a simple bike ride down a path gives me the greatest smile I can ever wish for. Food tastes so wonderful I want to cry! My tongue tingles at the sight of food! And my sleep is so wondrous , filled with happy thoughts and adventures! I can look at myself with holy pride, and I can look at others with the same confidence I had back when I had it. I am so happy I don't know what to do with it!