Dear readers ,
This is just a friendly reminder that I do indeed read your comments. However, unlike Facebook or you tube, i find it extremely hard replying back to them individually due to the length and massive content in it.
One comment said she could not read me , because I am good at hiding myself. I completely agree. I got to a point in my life where I truly don't know who I am anymore. The way I present myself has always been forced by a situation or a condition.
For example, the way I talk . Though being brought up in a urban city, and having a lot of black influences, I CHOSE to be this way. I remember I used to hate being Asian, and used to hate speaking like the "white man" . I was torn by racism as a kid, and it just left a sour taste in my mouth. Thats when I forced myself into a different world, where things seemed more free. however, it proved to lead me towards a more negative direction.
I wanted to be invisible, and alone. However, I brought more attention to myself with the choices I made in my life. The people I decided to hang out with completely changed who i was. Deep inside my soul, there was my original self, telling me to throw away this mask I wore. All the same, I was scared to be who i was. More and more as times went on, the masks piled on. Layer after layer... slowly forgetting who I was. Ditching my identity to become some "thing" different. As I started to grow older, I was stuck in this casting I created . Years of calluses doesn't go away so easy, and origin of my nature was just lost.
What I'm simply trying to say is, I don't know who I am. I've been influenced with so many things, and I've became them. I can't say I'm making this all up, because I feel what I feel. I completely believe what I believe. But, deep down inside I feel like a lost soul wishing to just see a glimpse of what I am truly.
What scars I have you all may never know, and what pains I have stored I wish to not share. However, what I did learn from all the misadventures of my life is that, life is fickle. You get hurt if you do not form a defense. Nevertheless, your defenses will always break... always. Then you will find yourself lost once again, searching and searching. I believe thats when you find serenity. Calm , submissive , and your spirit gives up to a higher power. Out of your own stubborn mouth you start to confess your evilness. Things you would never think to say , or admit in the past. But, in the burning surface of your heart you let go all inhibitions and just let go. You tell this higher being everything you are ,and are not. Then you find your true nature...
So the top few paragraphs are indeed my thoughts in the past. Because I know exactly who I am. When I found my true self, it wasn't pretty. It wasn't the reflection in the cool still waters I was expecting. It wasn't as clean as I once hoped .
There, waiting for me was not myself, but a demon. Lurking about, telling me this is who you are, this is all you are. My mind and my soul fought diligently , convincing this demon I am NOT you, You are NOT me. Later in the midst of battle, the lieutenant which is my soul falls on it's own sword. My mind left alone unable to fend of the demons which that rushes me. In that midst, I saw a hand . A golden hand ,a peaceful grip, and a wonderful caress. A Saviour.
This man tells me, I no longer need be alone... No longer do I need to fight alone. You may not have strength but I have all the strength to the ends of the earth. In me, there is tranquility, peace, love and spirit. With the shield of Faith he comforts me, and with his righteous might he avenges me. He shelters me in his kingdom, and let no evil enter it's holy doors. Keeping me near by to heal my wounds, and bring me to happiness. I knew who I was .
I no longer mattered in the equation, but only his name . Whether i was confused , whether i was lost, the Sheppard did not care. I am but a lamb, lost in the vast field. He leads me to the green pastures allowing me to play and enjoy life... but when I am lost, he finds me till he finds me. The joy of having such a God, is my blessing. So I know who I am.
I am a son, I am his son, and I am righteous through his lovely sacrifice. The remembrance of that gives me all the peace I need. This is my own personal psalm, just like king David who lived before us. This is my song I sing to our heavenly father above .
I guess i need to end this with an amen?