I , for the first time found a woman I can completely share my troubles with. I don't know how grateful I am to have found such a woman. This girl is so kind, and wonderful it just puts in at awe. She is so far away from me , but yet she feels so close ... Of course the pain of not being able to hold her and kiss her gets in the way. However, if I had to wait for someone it would most definitely be her. Today reminded me of how much I love her, and that it doesn't matter the distance. I have a return of passion in my heart, and I have the strength to keep on loving. I truly wish this relationship works out, because I have never found anything more pure, and real. This is the first real relationship where its foundation lies in our hearts, and our minds first. Physical comes next. Overall, I feel a giant load off my back, and I feel anew once again.
Recently, I've been going through troubles I really cannot post online ... I really wish I could tell my fans and subscribers, however as you all know that isn't all that possible now. Life is difficult at the moment, as it is with all of you all... just a bit complicated thats all. I pray God will rescue me out of this mess i'm in, and let me smile truly once again. I don't think I've genuinely smiled in a long time. I smile , laugh and dance for you all in the video, but as some of you know there is a crying boy inside. I really wish crying would stop and I really wish I can grow stronger.
I've become numb to the world, and I've become numb to myself. I really wish to escape this world, and go on ahead to some where peaceful... but life still beckons me to stay, and finish what I have came here to do. Will I grow old and dusty, or prematurely journey on to the next life? These are some questions I ask my self daily for no particular reasons... it just comes to me . It frighten me.
With all this said, I feel I won' t be thankful for what I have. however, I can' t deny the fact I got it better then most people. But my problems are difficult because they are set at my level. They are difficult for me, and I find it hard to defeat this problem. I just hope it gets better, i want it to stop hurting. I want to stop crying. I just want it to all stop.
I guess when I write these things, my emotions crawl out. It's amazing how my fingers transpose the music of my soul... it captures the empathy, like a symphony. My anger into melodies... and sadness flows together with the anger like a harmony. I'm the composer who waves the magic wand, wishing to control the tempo... wishing the world would slow down and bring it down a flat.
I don't know what I just wrote... but that is what I wrote. I must be losing my mind.
Your friend,
Tenchijk
I don't know what I just wrote... but that is what I wrote. I must be losing my mind.
Your friend,
Tenchijk
Posts
It's really wonderful to see that you have found someone that's truly for you. Someone who matches your heart and understands you completely, that's all you can ask for. And I hope you are thanking God everyday for her. Because the way you describe her she's truly a keeper. For someone like that it should be an honour to sustain for her. She sounds like a nice and decent person. And I'm sure a person like that is not finding it too hard to remain loyal to you it's in her nature. You can't find too many people like that nowadays, when you find someone like that don't let them slip away too easily. Give her first precedence, over everything, anything else is secondary. I know it's not easy being apart but have a little more patience, I'm sure you'll be together soon. And when you do you'll be glad and proud of yourself that you did :)
ReplyDeleteIn your second paragraph I've felt exactly the same way from time to time. Wondering why am I going through this why?, why? why? But I have to step back and remind myself that we are going through certain difficulties for a reason and they are there to teach us something. What? Sometimes we will never know, we can only do what is humanly possible for us. The rest we have to relinquish control to our Lord and Savior. Just know that whatever difficulties you are having just know that the Lord is working them out for you because he Loves You. Don't give up on life Tenchi you are a fighter just remember you have your girl friend over the horizons waiting and counting on you.
I'm really feeling your poem at the end, it has a music feel to it. And you know how I luvs my music lol....
Wow! First off, TenchiJK please stop reading out the story of my life. In other words, It is amazing how inspiring you really are. I honestly think God may have wanted you to do this for all of those out there who are googling to find answers to some of their problems.
ReplyDeleteAnyhoe, it is really crazy because I wrote something on my blog kind of similar. It was about how when we go through changes and separation with some of the people we love so dearly. I remember crying so hard that my nose would bleed and waking up just wondering what I was doing with my life and it was so scary. At the time I was only 14 and the separation of men in my life had changed the way I thought about every guy I met.
But one day I awoke to something that made me happy; it was the sun in the middle of one of those darker snowy months, like January.
I guess what I'm trying to say is God shows people his light in many various ways. So try to be happy, but one day God will shine his light on you in even the darkest places.
♥ Feather
Tenchi!!! I dont know whats your problem exactly but please dont let it drawn you!! Sometimes in life we go through things and want to be strong and to try get out by ourselves but its not always that easy. And i feel like you've been carrying ur pain for a long time now. Too long maybe. Theres times when i see hope in you and other times when you seem to crash down and hard. Please dont let these problems get the best of you. You might need the help of a psychologist to get trhough this. I dont know what kind of problems you are but dont hesitate to contact a specialist! WAITTT! Im not saying ur crazy or something like that, not at all....its just that ive been a very depressive person and it takes time to realize it and to get out of it...and i hurted myself so much. I wish i wouldve talk to someone earlier. I had these toughts and all kind of questions going trough my mind. at a moment i felt i was too deep into the water, i was tired of swimming, i couldnt even see the shore anymore, i just wanted to let myself get carried away by the waves man...you might need help to find yourself again... oh my this is so hard i cant even put words to it. I know you can make it, no matter what. I believe in you! Dont be afraid to holla if you want to talk abt anything....ive been low, very low and i dont judge. Sometimes just a true heart to heart talk feels good.
ReplyDeleteAnd im glad to see that ur still greatful through it all! Much love Tenchi!
xxxo
I must say you express yourself beautifully in your writing...I hope it helps you to know you have fans and subscribers
ReplyDeleteout there routing for you that just wants you to be ok.
I an pretty good at reading people and you're one person I can't figure out.
You have different modes and you cover you true self very well.
You write your feelings then when i see your videos sometimes i see someone else...
The cat in the box with the can of tuna and no opener.
Whatever did the cat do?
I wish you all the best...
I will say a pray for you and and I pray God hears me and attend to you.
I really hate to see you, other people, and even myself in this state that you're in :(
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're going through a hard time and whatever it is I hope things will smooth out for the better. Personally, I think you should continue to question yourself (within reasonable terms of course)and answer yourself to find out what's "wrong" and give yourself the motivation to strive for your success and correct the error.
I believe that whatever you want out there is there and it's up to you to fight for it. But i do understand that some things are out of your control and hindering you from proceeding with your situation. I hope that's not the case for you and that you get around your obstacles and continue on your "journey".
I'm not sure if you understood what I was getting at -__- if you didn't that's ok...
Im better at expressing my words verbally than on paper...I definetely wish I could talk to you about this :(
Tenchi mang,
ReplyDeleteKeep on praying and don't feel so hopeless. You said it yourself, you've got a person who is willing to stick by you through thick and thin meaning you've got someone to hope for which, believe me, many people wish they could have. I know you're feeling ungrateful and it happens to every single one of us but always remember that God has beautiful things planned for you and this bump in the road is just one of many that will help you through life. Don't give up and remember that a whole bunch of people, who you don't even know and vice versa, got your back regardless of the anonymity and distance. I hope you feel better :)
Tenchi,
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up! You don't have to tell us what the problem is exactly, because we all know! We're all praying for you, and remember, God doesn't put on us more than we can bear...
Stay strong and much love <3
Im glad you found a love who you can confide in :)I guess the distance is somehow a way to deepen the emotional bond, cause as you know its not all about the physical. You CAN work through these problems... there are people in your life who love you and will support and will help you through anything you face. You can look to your girlfriend,family,good friends, and God. ....Your message seems really... dark...If it is a truly serious problem, Do Not hesitate to seek help. Attack the problem at the root and dig deep into it!
ReplyDeletewell Keep on strutting and brush those other petty problems off your shoulder.
I know that this posting is like almost a year old but man does it speak to me in multiple volumes. Last year was just one big test on me like it was for you. Idk 2010 is like God was saying " you haven't been appreciating what you already have so I'm gonna through you some faith curveballs.." It seems like just when I got used to one blow WHAM another one thing to make break down. I totally get how you want to share with people to get some positive twist so idk to help you lick your emotional wombs but you gotta stay gaurded somewhat cuz let's face it there are people with hate in their hearts that idk nothing more than to you vulnerabilities against you. But like others before have said I'm sure this innocent caring love you have found and others closest to you will be the same ones to truly listen and make your days brighter. I'm just guessing ... Assuming that by now you've manage to dig deep inside and found Gods Devine light because from your recent post and videos you seem to be slowly getting back to happy. I'm still waiting on mine but seeing your gives me faith that I will feel better in do time. Till then I take joy in simple pleasures (not that I wasn't already I just appreciate them THAT much more.)
ReplyDeleteAs for you finding love that seems so right and true despite the distance... I'm so happy for you. Ive always been in the mind set if you love some one it shouldn't matter where But how there's this unspeakble pull to know and love them. Be around them hug and kiss them if only it was physically possible. Sounds like my only true relationship. He and I talked endlessly about things that I guess most would find odd or others wouldn't get for whatever reasons.but I swear it was like we had known each other since we were in diapers. The fact that we had inside jokes or could finish somewhat nutty thoughts was awesome. We lived so far away from one another (UK and Cali) but we managed to stay together. Ultimately we parted ways because of the "mature" enough to know we might never meet (two failed attempts) and it killed us to but we ended (3 years pretty decent for teens). Five years later we're still friends today , however for all intense and purpose I still think of him as THE guy.
Anyways, I think the fact that you have already manage to met up with your love through a tremendous blessing is great way of solidifying your relationship and I'm so overjoyed that y'all are still together.
Much love for you and your work for a more harmonious world filled with love and faith.
Cablukangaroo